A variety of life
trials and tribulations prepare you to deal with those
predictable and also untimely happenings in the future, but I
cannot name any situation that begins to prepare you to deal
with losing and then living life without a longtime partner and
spouse. When you have been
married for nearly fifty years as Otto and I were, it is
difficult to articulate all the ways that he is missed, and
although he was chronically ill for several years, I was not
prepared to say a goodbye that I knew ultimately was going to
last for the rest of my life.
One phenomenon that I
will never forget is what I can only describe as the widow’s
fog; it is so dense that you cannot see through it to the other
side, yet such a vapor that you cannot capture even a tiny
piece. Although this
condition comes to visit less often now, it is so powerfully
real that it triggers symptoms of sadness that do not easily
disappear.
I discovered an
enlightening article on Facebook comparing the death of a
forever spouse to a gigantic ocean wave that in the beginning
washes over and consumes you; then as time goes on the waves
still consume you but the timing between the waves lets you take
a breath before the next one hits. You ultimately learn to
anticipate the waves and prepare for those times when you are
the saddest.
A study by Northern Illinois University
professors reports, "Just as you cannot stop the waves in the
ocean; you cannot stop the feelings of grief. You can only ride
the wave of your grief and find a comfortable place to express
it." And "the intensity of
your grief is directly related to the strength of your
attachment to what was lost. "
Holidays and days of
remembrance can take your breath away and leave you wondering if
you will ever get beyond the heartache. At times you are able
to deal with the memories that bring comfort then come the
occasions that tears flow down your face and overwhelm your
existence.
When someone you love
deeply passes away, it creates scars, the deeper the love the
worse the scar. It seems that the greater the love, the longer
time it takes to recover.
I
subscribe to an online service called "What’s Your Grief" and I
find it informative reading. Laura Abbruzzese from Chicago,
Illinois writes that "you cannot create a road map to a place
you have never traveled; there is no road map for my journey and
I am figuring it out as I go. All I ask is trust that I am
doing everything I can to live my life and go forward without my
favorite person."
I believe that I am doing what is
right for me although it might not appear that way to
everyone. I understand the words lonely, alone and lonesome;
although they are not interchangeable, those words visit my
thoughts often.
